Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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