so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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