Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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