I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
