she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
