You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
