Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
