if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
