I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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