totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
