So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
