I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
