I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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