she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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