Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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