after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
