ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
