A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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