so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Randomize
