i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
