kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
