theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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