Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
