Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
