Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
