mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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