i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
