on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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