I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
