If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
