we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
