hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
