I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I puked a lego.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
