i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
