I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
