I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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