Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
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We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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