Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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