The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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