I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
