my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
