ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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