if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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