I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
