I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
