Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
