If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
