I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
