When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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