I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
