I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
