my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
