Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
