Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
