Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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