God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
