i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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