I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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