I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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