please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
