sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
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It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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