Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
